Hello!
I am new here and I know there are lots of other things posted on here that are a lot more sever in nature but I feel I should ask anyway.
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My husband and I have been married for 7 years and are currently expecting our 2nd child. We were pleasantly surprised when we found out because we were married in 2005, suffered a miscarriage in 2007, and our son was born in 2009. I had difficulties conceiving our son which was why our current pregnancy was a pleasant surprise.
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My overall dilemma is that my husband's family are very harsh with me. They do not treat me nicely at all and make it perfectly clear at family dinners etc that I am there under obligation. My sister in law has never referred to me as a family member- just "her brother's wife" and her kids do not use the term "aunt" with me even though she gets after them that their uncle is to be called "uncle." Not even one month after my miscarriage (which was devastating enough) she gave me a lecture telling me that I needed to rethink having children because her brother was nearing 40 and already had a son from a previous marriage who was half grown and he did not need to be raising a child all over again. After being told by the family that I should not have gotten pregnant with my son, I was told after he was born that I needed to take permanent measures to make sure I did not get pregnant again. Each time these things were told to me, my husband not once said anything in our defense.
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My sister in law has since stopped speaking to me and I have no idea as to why. At birthdays (they don't acknowledge mine at all and when my husband tries to set up a "party" for me, they make every excuse not to attend but I get reprimanded if I dont attend a birthday party for them or their kids) and Christmas she acts as though I am not even there and even goes so far as to talk about me like I am not even there and my husband, again, does not defend me. Last Christmas we were late going to my mother in laws for Christmas Eve dinner and I had no sooner sat down to eat when my mother in law started grilling me on why I was not working. I calmly explained that the job I had was part time and when I lost my baby sitter, I would have had to put my son in full time daycare, due to the way the scheduling was done, and my entire paycheck would have gone to childcare leaving me $10-$20 each week and that was if I was given 20 hours for the week. She told me that a tiny paycheck was better than nothing at all and that my son needed to be in dayccare with other kids and not with me all day because that was not good for his social upbringing.? I found this mildly funny considering I just graduated with my AA degree in Early Childhood Education so I knew that my son would not suffer at all and I also knew the financial part of staying at home versus placing him in fulltime daycare on a part time paycheck. During this time, my husband did not say a single word in my defense.? That hurt. For a grueling three hours I sat off by myself with none of the family bothering to notice I was even there and later at home my husband accused me of being antisocial. I have noticed the pattern that no matter what I say or do, I am "attacked" by them.? I have since told my husband that I will not be doing any more family get togethers because I do not need to be treated in such a manner. I also told my husband that until his family starts respecting me and my home (my sister in law has come over to my home and has not acknowledge my presence, nor does she respect my rules such as no foul language etc) they will not be allowed to come over. My husband tells me I am overeacting and that they are welcome anytime to which I told him that the moment they are welcome in my home is the moment I am not welcome in my home. Lately its a never ending battle between us and there is constant strain. To make matters worse, the family ignores my son at these get togethers as well. The only time they notice him is if he starts to misbehave or raise his voice (he is a 2 year old) and they threaten to "beat his backside", and the time my sister in law was laughing at how he was learning to talk and was trying to voice his displeasure so she tried to teach him a choice profanity phrase.
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My current dilemma is that when we found out about our new baby on the way, I politely asked my husband that he not tell his family. I knew how they would react, I knew I would not receive any congratulations or support from them, and I wanted this to be somthing for my husband and I to enjoy together without their criticism.? I told my husband at the start of the pregnancy that I really needed his support and this was a way of supporting me. Not only that but with my son, he was always updating them on everything and I felt like I was being ordered around a lot by them and my sister in law even ended up in the delivery room with us to support her brother, not me or both of us, but her brother. It was not a "just us" experience like I wanted.
The other night he was on the phone with his dad (his parents are divorced) and I overheard him saying, "she is due in October". I felt like I had been slapped. I asked him when he was off the phone what he was doing and he just nonchalantly told me that he had already told his mom and sister about the baby but he then told me that he sent them text messages while we were still in the ultrasound room literally seconds after finding out we are having a baby girl. I found this out two weeks after our 20 wk appointment. He not only kept it from me but lied about it. I feel betrayed. I wanted this to be our moment and he just threw it all away to them. Not only that but his "excuse" for telling them was that he was excited. You could have fooled me. His level of excitement extended to a casual comment that it will be a different experience and he shows no excitment to me. If he shows excitement to them but not me then that tells me he doesnt want to share this with me.
I have been on pins and needles since and we are not speaking because he broke the trust I had in him. I was looking forward to my son's birthday but now I wont be planning anything because my husband is planning to invite them. Its my son's birthday and I dont want them ruining it. They did a huge number on his 1st birthday which is why they are not invited.
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I dont understand why my husband has no respect for me if he cant even stick up for me. I know this sounds bad, but I am not even excited about the baby anymore. I was but now I feel like that joy has been taken from me.? I dont know how to talk to him about this betrayal of trust either. I am afraid he wont listen to me (especially since he says I exagerate how his family treats me but why would I want to be treated like that?).
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Any suggestions? Am I over reacting?
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